5 steps to understand how men and women handle feelings differently
27 April 2015, published by LITTLEROCK.com.mt
My boyfriend once asked me whether I had spoken with my female friends about that something that had been making me feel uneasy in our relationship. I acknowledged that I did. He complained that he does not like to have his private life made public. I replied that it is normal for women to talk about their feelings with each other in confidence, adding that it helps me to sort out my feelings by talking about them. He gave me a strange look.
This could have become an issue, had we both not looked deeper into how we tend to deal with our emotions, and what guys and girls do differently when it comes to bonding and dealing with feelings.
Female bonding vs male bonding
Drawing from my own experience, I can safely state that heart-sharing in confidence is a normal bonding activity for women; the deeper the secrets and the more private the emotions, the greater the trust we are placing in our confidant and the tighter the bond that is forged between the women.
From what I have seen in the men I have shared my life with at different times, this is far from true for most men. Bonding for men is about doing "stuff" together. They will go fishing and sit in silence for 5 hours, then come home saying what a great buddy that Tommy is. And if they have nothing to do, they will invent something, usually competitive, such as who can spit furthest - a puzzling activity for most women, if you ask.
What do men and women talk about?
Women talk about relationships - they are heart-based creatures and will talk about their relationships with their partner, parents, children, other friends, colleagues, and even their pets. Some women are also keenly interested in other people's relationships, and that's how gossip was invented. Women will also talk about common interests they share with that particular friend, from philosophy and spirituality to clothes and makeup, but that is a different sort of conversation.
Men will rarely talk about relationships. Sport, politics, common interests, competition, sex, women's body parts, drink, drugs and parties are more likely to be topics of animated conversation; they will talk about anything that interests them but will tend to steer clear from the realm of feeling, because a man is expected to be competent to handle his feelings by himself.
Dealing with difficult emotions
When men are troubled by something, they will tend to sit quietly and think about it until they come up with a solution. This silent retreat, in fact, can be very puzzling and disconcerting to a woman companion. But why don't men feel the need to talk about feelings?
"Well, I personally don't talk about my feelings either because they're not that interesting - they aren't extreme or unusual and neither are the things that spark my feelings - or because it wouldn't change things - I wouldn't feel better, and my situation wouldn't improve."
On the other hand, talking about feelings seems to be an important part of the process for most women. I personally find it extremely difficult to sit quietly and process my thoughts... I need to talk about them to understand them, and if I can't, I will write them down instead - anything that succeeds in transmuting an abstract emotion into an identifiable form will help me make sense of that otherwise vast and unfathomable ocean of feeling. That is why talking with a friend about my feelings is so healing.
Asking for support
If men feel that they can't deal with a particular issue alone, and only then, will they talk about it with a friend; a man will talk about his difficult feelings only if he needs support or help; communicating difficult emotions is a show of vulnerability, which will be met by other males with careful handling in order not to demean him. Usually, men will touch the subject, share a few words about it, then drop the subject and spring to action:
"It's not about WORDS... we are guys. Action accomplishes things that need done in order to heal and get back on track with life," said one of the male friends I spoke to while trying to understand the differences in the male and female ways of handling of emotions.
This is a huge contrast to the behaviour of women, who can talk for hours and hours about their feelings, sharing intimate details and secrets, personal anecdotes and advice without reserve, and finally leaving the conversation feeling like they have gained a lot of clarity from that exchange. Women do not talk to their friends to ask for help, but merely to have their feelings acknowledged, and to feel empathy and connection so that they can better deal with the situation. They experience no feelings of weakness or vulnerability in coming forward with an ocean of emotion about any issue whatsoever, nor does the friend feel invasive in asking probing questions and offering advice.
Words vs Action
This different way of handling emotions is why men and women in relationships sometimes encounter difficulties in properly communicating and understanding each other.
Men tend to show their feelings more than they talk about them . Instead of the typical "I love you," your man may fix things around the house or spend more time with you than usual, and instead of the typical "Sorry," he may approach you for a cuddle or bring you a little gift.
Women do not always understand the language of action - they may even misinterpret these actions as 'overlooking the problem' and 'pretending' it is not there, but it is not so. Women should become conscious of the hidden meaning behind the actions: he’s finding ways to make you feel special and rather than expressing his feelings with words, he’s showing affection through action - public displays of affection, introducing you to the people in his life, opening up to you about his past and his dreams, doing things for you, physical contact and so on.
Women love communicating in words, but do not try to force words out of a man; rather than making a man express himself in words, try to observe his actions while keeping in mind that your man is wired up differently than you.
This could have become an issue, had we both not looked deeper into how we tend to deal with our emotions, and what guys and girls do differently when it comes to bonding and dealing with feelings.
Female bonding vs male bonding
Drawing from my own experience, I can safely state that heart-sharing in confidence is a normal bonding activity for women; the deeper the secrets and the more private the emotions, the greater the trust we are placing in our confidant and the tighter the bond that is forged between the women.
From what I have seen in the men I have shared my life with at different times, this is far from true for most men. Bonding for men is about doing "stuff" together. They will go fishing and sit in silence for 5 hours, then come home saying what a great buddy that Tommy is. And if they have nothing to do, they will invent something, usually competitive, such as who can spit furthest - a puzzling activity for most women, if you ask.
What do men and women talk about?
Women talk about relationships - they are heart-based creatures and will talk about their relationships with their partner, parents, children, other friends, colleagues, and even their pets. Some women are also keenly interested in other people's relationships, and that's how gossip was invented. Women will also talk about common interests they share with that particular friend, from philosophy and spirituality to clothes and makeup, but that is a different sort of conversation.
Men will rarely talk about relationships. Sport, politics, common interests, competition, sex, women's body parts, drink, drugs and parties are more likely to be topics of animated conversation; they will talk about anything that interests them but will tend to steer clear from the realm of feeling, because a man is expected to be competent to handle his feelings by himself.
Dealing with difficult emotions
When men are troubled by something, they will tend to sit quietly and think about it until they come up with a solution. This silent retreat, in fact, can be very puzzling and disconcerting to a woman companion. But why don't men feel the need to talk about feelings?
"Well, I personally don't talk about my feelings either because they're not that interesting - they aren't extreme or unusual and neither are the things that spark my feelings - or because it wouldn't change things - I wouldn't feel better, and my situation wouldn't improve."
On the other hand, talking about feelings seems to be an important part of the process for most women. I personally find it extremely difficult to sit quietly and process my thoughts... I need to talk about them to understand them, and if I can't, I will write them down instead - anything that succeeds in transmuting an abstract emotion into an identifiable form will help me make sense of that otherwise vast and unfathomable ocean of feeling. That is why talking with a friend about my feelings is so healing.
Asking for support
If men feel that they can't deal with a particular issue alone, and only then, will they talk about it with a friend; a man will talk about his difficult feelings only if he needs support or help; communicating difficult emotions is a show of vulnerability, which will be met by other males with careful handling in order not to demean him. Usually, men will touch the subject, share a few words about it, then drop the subject and spring to action:
- Bonding behaviour that is the physical expression of 'brotherhood' that simply demonstrates, "You are not alone;"
- Trusting him to handle his emotions by not talking about it
- Helping their friends 'get their mind off it' by engaging them in an important discussion on practical matters or physical distractions such as going out for a beer, doing something like sports, asking for help fixing the car, etc.
"It's not about WORDS... we are guys. Action accomplishes things that need done in order to heal and get back on track with life," said one of the male friends I spoke to while trying to understand the differences in the male and female ways of handling of emotions.
This is a huge contrast to the behaviour of women, who can talk for hours and hours about their feelings, sharing intimate details and secrets, personal anecdotes and advice without reserve, and finally leaving the conversation feeling like they have gained a lot of clarity from that exchange. Women do not talk to their friends to ask for help, but merely to have their feelings acknowledged, and to feel empathy and connection so that they can better deal with the situation. They experience no feelings of weakness or vulnerability in coming forward with an ocean of emotion about any issue whatsoever, nor does the friend feel invasive in asking probing questions and offering advice.
Words vs Action
This different way of handling emotions is why men and women in relationships sometimes encounter difficulties in properly communicating and understanding each other.
Men tend to show their feelings more than they talk about them . Instead of the typical "I love you," your man may fix things around the house or spend more time with you than usual, and instead of the typical "Sorry," he may approach you for a cuddle or bring you a little gift.
Women do not always understand the language of action - they may even misinterpret these actions as 'overlooking the problem' and 'pretending' it is not there, but it is not so. Women should become conscious of the hidden meaning behind the actions: he’s finding ways to make you feel special and rather than expressing his feelings with words, he’s showing affection through action - public displays of affection, introducing you to the people in his life, opening up to you about his past and his dreams, doing things for you, physical contact and so on.
Women love communicating in words, but do not try to force words out of a man; rather than making a man express himself in words, try to observe his actions while keeping in mind that your man is wired up differently than you.
