Open letter … from a Maltese woman who stood up to the male bully
18 May 2015, published by LITTLEROCK.com.mt
I am writing this letter because I feel it is time to send out a message to both men and women, and also to the authorities. What I experienced on Mother's Day was really abominable and should never, ever have to happen.
I was driving in Qawra, just going about my business. It was about 4pm and there were several people about, as is to be expected of a Sunday afternoon which is also a family holiday. When I saw the parking spot available just metres from where I needed to stop, I thought it must be my lucky day. Coming from the direction of Ta' Fra Ben, I put my right indicator on, let the cars on the opposite lane pass, and turned into an area leading down to the sea where there are some kiosks. Then I went about the task of parking my car almost at the top of this slope.
Nothing out of the ordinary, until one man walked up to me, dressed neatly in a freshly-ironed shirt, and politely requested I move my car so that another can park instead of it. I was already in the parking spot and just needed some minor maneuvering to switch the engine off, so I was wondering what right this man had over this parking space. I simply asked, also politely, "Why?"
He said, "Because I told that car to park here."
"But I saw that car was right at the bottom of the hill when I was parking. I got here first. I've even parked already."
"But look, you can park down there," he said, still smiling.
"Why doesn't that car park there then?" I looked over to where he was pointing, "Oh... there's a double yellow line!" It was the first time it occurred to me that this man was not a parker, but actually trying to trick me out of a parking space for his friend's benefit.
"No, it's not a double yellow," said the man, starting to become irritated. "Look there is another parking space over there. Move your car now."
Annoyed by his assumed authority, I asked, "Who are you?"
"I am my mother and father's son and that's all your business to know. Now move your car!" He was visibly irritated now. He opened my car door and prodded me on the shoulder.
I could tell he was trying to intimidate me, but he was dealing with the wrong woman for that. I gave him a look straight in the eye, which simply expressed that I am not afraid of him. "Don't you dare touch me," I said, turned and, with my driver's door still open, moved the car the last couple of inches and switched off the engine.
"What are you doing?!" said the man, raising his voice.
"I'm done parking my car," I replied, "Go help your friend find another parking space." I got out of the car and gathered my belongings. As I was walking away, the rest of his family came near and I heard him say to them, by now visibly angry, "I'll throw her in the sea!"
I turned to him and said, "Is that so? Go on, do it. Then we see what happens." I was not about to stand for being threatened and intimidated by this scumbag. Who does he think he is?
He grabbed me by the arm, his fingers digging so deeply such that I could feel his grip until hours later. If he went further, I could kick, bite or do anything to defend myself, and certainly make him regret it. One thing was sure, I was not about to let this bully get away with it so easily and in that moment, in the face of this injustice, I felt fearless. It was not the cheeky injustice of tricking me out of a parking space that bothered me, but the injustice of how he was treating a woman - I am pretty certain that he would not have been half as cocky if my partner had been with me and driving the car.
The rest of his family and friends, about four adults and three children, panicked when they saw him grab me. I suspect he tends to do this sort of thing and knew what might be coming. Some members told him to leave me alone, others told me to please go, apologising on his behalf.
"I'm calling the police. This is a disgrace," I told his family.
The situation was such that I did not trust to leave my car there and return to find it undamaged; this bully gave me many good reasons not to trust him. They all stood around there and I made it a point to make it clear I was really making the call to the police. When I hung up, I informed them that the police were on their way.
A woman holding a pushchair with a toddler in it, who was presumably his wife, spoke up, "Why did you do that? What did he do to you? He didn't even hurt you!"
I was flabbergasted to say the least. A strange man approached a strange woman, lied to try and get his way, pushed himself into her space and placed his hands on her to intimidate her, then threatened her... all that is "nothing" to her, right? Was she waiting for him to hit me or actually throw me in the sea to warrant being told off? I looked at her in disgust, "Seems like he's got the right woman for him," is all I said, and walked away.
A young man from the same group followed me and begged me to let it pass. "I am apologising on his behalf, ok? Please don't bring the police. Can you please accept my apology?" I wonder what else was hanging on that man's head to have his companions fear so much for him getting such a report.
"He should be the one to apologise," I said, but he was already walking away in the opposite direction as if he owns the world. I can honestly say I have never been so turned off by a man in my life... what a way to treat a woman, on Mother's Day too!
They all followed him and the police would have arrived to find no-one, so I called again to tell them not to bother coming on site. I asked the lady answering my call what should one do in such a situation where one is being threatened or intimidated, in order to get protection and get this person a warning. All I could do, I was told, was call the police. But if they're gone, there is nothing else to do unless we could identify the person, in which case I could report the incident at the police station. Some help! Sure I was about to spend the rest of my afternoon in a police station and the next ten years going to court with this man over such ignorant behaviour, not.
But his attitude worries me a lot. It seems that there are still people out there with the mentality that it is acceptable to treat women like second class citizens, consider them stupid, and that they should cower in fear in the face of male intimidation. I feel proud to have proved, that day, that this is not the case. I was clever enough to see his trick, fearless enough to hold my ground, and strong enough to make my point on behalf of all women who have had enough of this kind of male bully.
My only regret is not having had the quick thinking to take a picture of the man so that I could shame him in front of the whole of Malta via this open letter and facebook, perhaps that would put his extreme male ego in its place.
If there are any more women out there who have had enough of being treated as stupid (yes Mr. Mechanic, I do know a thing or two about car engines), being ignored or being intimidated by men who think they have the superior right to do so, please stand up and speak out.
I am by no means a feminist or man hater, I just dislike a bully or any form of disrespect. Women simply do not "deserve" to be ill-treated, scolded, pushed around or hit - if any of you out there think that any of this is "normal" behaviour, it is not, so seek help now.
We may still be living in a patriarchal society, but women have long since proved their worth, achieved equal recognition and been given the rights they deserve; it's now 2015 and this kind of condescending attitude has to stop.
This situation will only change when people understand that a truly great person does not need to shove it in your face and impose his authority on others... because it is already felt, experienced through his wisdom and good will, which will lead them to naturally submit to his wishes.
Meanwhile I beg the authorities that more importance is given to proper education in schools on appropriate social behaviour and sexual discrimination, so that children of parents offering such unjust and outdated role models may have the opportunity to grow knowing that kindness, respect and compassion are better qualities for life. How sad for that couple's children and future generations to continue this destructive pattern of behaviour.
Editor's note: Bullying behaviour can take many forms. Click here for tips to help stop bullying, directed mainly at children. For victims of domestic violence click here.
I was driving in Qawra, just going about my business. It was about 4pm and there were several people about, as is to be expected of a Sunday afternoon which is also a family holiday. When I saw the parking spot available just metres from where I needed to stop, I thought it must be my lucky day. Coming from the direction of Ta' Fra Ben, I put my right indicator on, let the cars on the opposite lane pass, and turned into an area leading down to the sea where there are some kiosks. Then I went about the task of parking my car almost at the top of this slope.
Nothing out of the ordinary, until one man walked up to me, dressed neatly in a freshly-ironed shirt, and politely requested I move my car so that another can park instead of it. I was already in the parking spot and just needed some minor maneuvering to switch the engine off, so I was wondering what right this man had over this parking space. I simply asked, also politely, "Why?"
He said, "Because I told that car to park here."
"But I saw that car was right at the bottom of the hill when I was parking. I got here first. I've even parked already."
"But look, you can park down there," he said, still smiling.
"Why doesn't that car park there then?" I looked over to where he was pointing, "Oh... there's a double yellow line!" It was the first time it occurred to me that this man was not a parker, but actually trying to trick me out of a parking space for his friend's benefit.
"No, it's not a double yellow," said the man, starting to become irritated. "Look there is another parking space over there. Move your car now."
Annoyed by his assumed authority, I asked, "Who are you?"
"I am my mother and father's son and that's all your business to know. Now move your car!" He was visibly irritated now. He opened my car door and prodded me on the shoulder.
I could tell he was trying to intimidate me, but he was dealing with the wrong woman for that. I gave him a look straight in the eye, which simply expressed that I am not afraid of him. "Don't you dare touch me," I said, turned and, with my driver's door still open, moved the car the last couple of inches and switched off the engine.
"What are you doing?!" said the man, raising his voice.
"I'm done parking my car," I replied, "Go help your friend find another parking space." I got out of the car and gathered my belongings. As I was walking away, the rest of his family came near and I heard him say to them, by now visibly angry, "I'll throw her in the sea!"
I turned to him and said, "Is that so? Go on, do it. Then we see what happens." I was not about to stand for being threatened and intimidated by this scumbag. Who does he think he is?
He grabbed me by the arm, his fingers digging so deeply such that I could feel his grip until hours later. If he went further, I could kick, bite or do anything to defend myself, and certainly make him regret it. One thing was sure, I was not about to let this bully get away with it so easily and in that moment, in the face of this injustice, I felt fearless. It was not the cheeky injustice of tricking me out of a parking space that bothered me, but the injustice of how he was treating a woman - I am pretty certain that he would not have been half as cocky if my partner had been with me and driving the car.
The rest of his family and friends, about four adults and three children, panicked when they saw him grab me. I suspect he tends to do this sort of thing and knew what might be coming. Some members told him to leave me alone, others told me to please go, apologising on his behalf.
"I'm calling the police. This is a disgrace," I told his family.
The situation was such that I did not trust to leave my car there and return to find it undamaged; this bully gave me many good reasons not to trust him. They all stood around there and I made it a point to make it clear I was really making the call to the police. When I hung up, I informed them that the police were on their way.
A woman holding a pushchair with a toddler in it, who was presumably his wife, spoke up, "Why did you do that? What did he do to you? He didn't even hurt you!"
I was flabbergasted to say the least. A strange man approached a strange woman, lied to try and get his way, pushed himself into her space and placed his hands on her to intimidate her, then threatened her... all that is "nothing" to her, right? Was she waiting for him to hit me or actually throw me in the sea to warrant being told off? I looked at her in disgust, "Seems like he's got the right woman for him," is all I said, and walked away.
A young man from the same group followed me and begged me to let it pass. "I am apologising on his behalf, ok? Please don't bring the police. Can you please accept my apology?" I wonder what else was hanging on that man's head to have his companions fear so much for him getting such a report.
"He should be the one to apologise," I said, but he was already walking away in the opposite direction as if he owns the world. I can honestly say I have never been so turned off by a man in my life... what a way to treat a woman, on Mother's Day too!
They all followed him and the police would have arrived to find no-one, so I called again to tell them not to bother coming on site. I asked the lady answering my call what should one do in such a situation where one is being threatened or intimidated, in order to get protection and get this person a warning. All I could do, I was told, was call the police. But if they're gone, there is nothing else to do unless we could identify the person, in which case I could report the incident at the police station. Some help! Sure I was about to spend the rest of my afternoon in a police station and the next ten years going to court with this man over such ignorant behaviour, not.
But his attitude worries me a lot. It seems that there are still people out there with the mentality that it is acceptable to treat women like second class citizens, consider them stupid, and that they should cower in fear in the face of male intimidation. I feel proud to have proved, that day, that this is not the case. I was clever enough to see his trick, fearless enough to hold my ground, and strong enough to make my point on behalf of all women who have had enough of this kind of male bully.
My only regret is not having had the quick thinking to take a picture of the man so that I could shame him in front of the whole of Malta via this open letter and facebook, perhaps that would put his extreme male ego in its place.
If there are any more women out there who have had enough of being treated as stupid (yes Mr. Mechanic, I do know a thing or two about car engines), being ignored or being intimidated by men who think they have the superior right to do so, please stand up and speak out.
I am by no means a feminist or man hater, I just dislike a bully or any form of disrespect. Women simply do not "deserve" to be ill-treated, scolded, pushed around or hit - if any of you out there think that any of this is "normal" behaviour, it is not, so seek help now.
We may still be living in a patriarchal society, but women have long since proved their worth, achieved equal recognition and been given the rights they deserve; it's now 2015 and this kind of condescending attitude has to stop.
This situation will only change when people understand that a truly great person does not need to shove it in your face and impose his authority on others... because it is already felt, experienced through his wisdom and good will, which will lead them to naturally submit to his wishes.
Meanwhile I beg the authorities that more importance is given to proper education in schools on appropriate social behaviour and sexual discrimination, so that children of parents offering such unjust and outdated role models may have the opportunity to grow knowing that kindness, respect and compassion are better qualities for life. How sad for that couple's children and future generations to continue this destructive pattern of behaviour.
Editor's note: Bullying behaviour can take many forms. Click here for tips to help stop bullying, directed mainly at children. For victims of domestic violence click here.
